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| From the Dove "Real Beauty" campaign |
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| From the Dove "Real Beauty" campaign |
I was in a salon getting my nails done today when I overheard a woman behind me call over one of the owners. "That woman", she said pointing at a salon employee, "just made a comment about my daughter's eye brows. She said they are too big and now my daughter is really upset. My daughter is 10." My first question was why is your 10-year-old daughter getting a pedicure??? But that's beside the point... Apparently there was a misunderstanding and the salon employee was not intending to insult the girl, but of course the mother, looking out for her little one, stood her ground and said the salon employee "better shut her mouth." *Raaaaarrrrr!!!!*
Before the mother realized I was staring, I turned back around and tried to listen in what else was being said (hey, waiting for your nails to dry is not very entertaining, I needed something!). I'm not sure how the salon employees handled it, but by the end the mother had called over her daughter and said "I'm bringing you back tomorrow to get your eye brows waxed." The mother said she didn't want people commenting on her daughter's brows, which in all honesty were a tad bushy but NOTHING to make a big deal over, and she didn't want her girl's self-esteem to go down because of them.
Now I'm not a mother, but I think I get her point of view. You want to protect your child and make her feel beautiful, so when you see that her confidence is shattered by one silly comment, you want to do everything you can to make her feel beautiful again. Got it. But is jumping the gun and waxing the brows really the right solution? The girl is TEN! What message is she receiving? When someone makes a comment about your body, you go and change it? What about sitting her down and reassuring her that she's beautiful and that there are many women out there who would die for brows like hers? And that it doesn't matter what other people think, and that she may have bigger eye brows than most people but she's got a killer smile and awesome dimples that everyone gushes over?
I know the mother is only looking out for her daughter's best interests, and I'm sure I'd want to do the same thing for my daughter, but at such a young and vulnerable age the message we send our little girls is so important and impactful. If someone doesn't like your eyebrows you stand up and tell them you've got the best eyebrows anyone can ask for. You show them you don't care about what they say, you know you're beautiful and that's all that matters. Of course I don't expect a 10-year-old to really say those things, but it's the perfect time to start planting these messages in her head.
I really think that ten is way too young to be making regular visits to the salon to get waxing done. She's still a girl, still playing with dolls and thinking boys have cudies (I hope!). She doesn't need to be worried about her eyebrows or any part of her body and she certainly doesn't need her mother to encourage her to let a silly comment change the way she looks. I worry about this girl's confidence in the next few years. I get the need to protect our girls' self-esteem, but at what cost? Fine, she grows up with a few people making comments about her eyebrows, but we've all been teased at some point...and I think we can all argue that being teased as a kid turned us into stronger adults. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I encourage teasing or that we shouldn't help our children when we can, I just think a little discretion is required. Thicker-than-normal eyebrows are NOT a big deal. She's ten. She'll be upset for an hour then she'll get over it. And when she grows up, she'll appreciate that her mother made her feel beautiful no matter what. Not that her mother made her go through the pain of waxing her eyebrows every month because a few people made silly comments.
'Nuff said. Comment as you see fit.
- Anjali
16 comments:
The girl is 10! This reminds me of mothers that get their young daughters to have nose jobs and boobs jobs. Instead of teaching teaching girls that everyone is perfect - we teach them that no one is perfect and women are never happy with themselves - something me and my friends can relate to. I am a mother - I hope to change that message with one daughter at a time.
10 years old is far too young. I was 16 when i first got my eyebrows threaded!
Wow... I find this really sad and disturbing, when I was 10 - I did not have pedi's and waxing on the brain... I have bubble gum and barbies on the brain!! Yikes.. :(
I agree with you 100%. Instead of letting her daughter forget about the comment she made a big deal of it and now it is cemented into that little girls head. I can almost guarantee she's going to remember that every time she looks into a mirror with self doubt. Her mother should have said "That's silly, she doesn't need that." and dropped it.
While I totally agree with you that this little girl is too young to have her eyebrows waxed, what is wrong with her getting a pedicure? I take my daughter, who just turned 9 last week, to get a manicure every now and then. It is a fun time for us to hang out and do something girly. We only do this about twice a year, but it sure is fun.
On a side note, she sees me waxing and plucking my own eyebrows, and sometimes asks me to pluck a few from the middle 'unibrow' section. She inherited thick brows from both my husband and myself. While I will help her out by plucking a few obtrusive hairs, I think she is too young to have her brows waxed in public. I guess I don't want her to feel that something is so wrong with her that wee have to have it professionally taken care of. But if a girl is self concious over something that can easily, quickly, and inexpensively be remedied, why not?
i love this post! I had the hairiest arms as a kid and teen and I was so embarrassed by them but I didn't shave them until I was in 10th grade.
It's hard because I think parents want their kids to feel good about themselves---but I agree with you that the teasing does make you a little stronger as you grow older after having personally experienced it.
It's a tough one and i don't think I can make the judgment call...I don't know how I would feel if it was my daughter. There's a gray area between "ears that stick out" and "ears that stick out so much that they are a major distraction..." you know? It's a tough call to make.
@Anon 1 - love your comment! Your child/children are lucky ducks!
@Harpreet - LOL yaaa I was allowed to get my eyebrows done at 14...the year I started high school!
@Carole - girls these days are growing up fast...
@Anon 2 - Thank you for sharing your perspective! I wrote this post to share my viewpoint on addressing a young girl's self-esteem. I just feel like the mother chose the fastest and easiest solution, without stopping to think "hey, should a 10-year-old really be doing this?". Mind you, I have no idea of how badly the girl may have been teased about her brows, so I do realize I'm making assumptions here. Plucking one or two hairs here and there is fine, but taking her to get a full-out eyebrow wax over a silly comment? I think there are better, more rewarding solutions...but hey, that's just my opinion!
And regarding the young girl getting a pedicure. I could see how taking a girl out for a treat is fun and creates a bonding experience between mother and daughter - so perhaps I was being too judgmental on that one. It just weirds me out to see a 10-year-old in a pedicure seat. I feel like they're getting younger and younger! I didn't go for my first pedi until I was at least in my 20's...I guess I view it as a more adult-appropriate thing to do. Then again, just my opinion :) I'm sure your daughter loves going for manicures with you and will always remember that as a fun thing you two do together!
@Veronika - and I guess this is why they say parenting is so hard! At what point do you draw the line? It's easy for me to make judgements and write this post as an outsider...I know the mother has her daughter's best intentions in mind - the decision just didn't sit well with me.
I started waxing my eyebrows when I was 11. I begged and begged my parents for years because I was made fun of. I'm an Indian girl and grew up around all white people who barely had hair and called me a monkey. My mom finally understood my frustration and took me to her waxing lady... I started waxing my legs around that age as well cause of gym class. so yeah, it was my choice and my mom didn't force me to do any of that... in fact, she didn't like the idea, but at the same time hated seeing me come home crying from school.
Speaking from the point of view that I had the biggest and bushiest unibrow a kid could EVER have, I am not against the mother's choice at all. I am getting my kid's eyebrow's done atleast before grade 7 or 8, kids are freaking mean. On a side note, perhaps the bullying and low self esteem I did suffer from has shaped me into who I am today? Who knows..
Ahhhh the wonders of growing up as an Indian girl. Thanks for your insights ladies. You're right - if my child was coming home crying everyday because other children were taunting her, I'd probably wax those eyebrows/legs myself. In the situation at the salon, the girl didn't seem interested in getting her brows done (in fact she said "do we have to do it now?"), it was the mother's decision. Maybe if I had heard the girl pleading with her mother to get them done I'd look at the situation differently.
Ah - I fear the day I bring a girl into this world! haha
hi Anjali, loved your post as it brings up alot of what has become sadly so common. While it was hard for alot of us growing up being comfortable in our own skin, it was reassuring to know that the message we received over and over again at home was that "there is nothing wrong with the way God made you". (I wasn't allowed to change or do anything until at least 16yrs old)...An important message to keep with as ur going through those hard pre-teen to teen years. I do agree that 10 is too young, do we blame media, marketing, tv, celebrities, all of the above i am sure. This isn't a unique situation sadly, I went to a salon once where the salon owner was waxing and highlighthing her daughters hair at 8 years old!!! However I do remember how hard it was when adults, peers and family would point out flaws time and time again growing up and how unbearble it was to be in my own skin and that at times I did ask my mom for solutions alot sooner, but I would hope that parents can try to at least work from the inside out vs. outside in....
First off, just want to say what a great insightful post Anjali! I'm an Indian girl, and I remember how the boys in elementary school would tease me about my mustache or the comments I would get from relatives about my general hairiness. I remember how liberated and "normal" I felt when my mom finally let me wax the darn stache off for my grade 8 graduation (I was 12). In grade 9, I also started plucking my thick brows. Luckily, my parents never budged or reacted to those comments, so in a way, they never affected me as strongly as they could have. I completely agree that the mom should not have made a big deal out of it...children at that age are so sensitive to their parents' emotions and sometimes those feelings of self-doubt can be etched onto their personalities well into adulthood.
This is really sad. People complain that kids are sent the wrong messages from the media, but I think many kids with self-esteem issues today get it from their parents. Hearing negative comments, following a bad example, or situations like this where parents validate the superficial demands placed on women, or in this case - a kid! My parents never placed demands on me in terms of beauty, even when others suggested I wax my brows or my arms or wear makeup before I was ready. I'm grateful my parents never placed much importance on looks because you're right, kids do appreciate this when they're older. I know I did.
Thanks for this post Anjali!
Most behaviors are learned at home. It's up to parents to educate their kids. I definitely think that 10 is way to young to be having anything waxed; as you said she's still a child.
I think that the situation should/could have been handled differently; the mother should have talked to the salon owner in private, there was really no need to cause a scene.
I think waxing is over the top for 10 years old, what's next, her legs?!?! My 9 year old daughter has the same eyebrows I had as a child where one brow's end 'flips up' (think of devil's eyebrows). I was teased pretty bad for it, to the point where my sister would have to defend me (and we didn't always get along so well back then). So, every few months, I trim the ends of that brow with brow scissors. I don't make a big deal out of it or make her feel ugly because of it...it's just a second of grooming....just like mommy has to do, and I always do it myself (no 'professionals' are needed here).
I have two daughters ages 11 & 8 who are both incredibly secure in their bodies. My 11 year old started waxing her own eyebrows and shaving her legs this year because she wanted to. She is demonstrating all the textbook, as well as completely natural, healthy, and developmentally appropriate signs of maturation. My 8 year old was born with not only a cleft lip, but “devil eyebrows” as well. I have offered to groom her eyebrows and she refuses because she likes them… thinks they are “unique”.
Both of my kiddos know they are beautiful. It is confirmed for them daily. They are also intelligent, witty, and have a substance of such depth and breadth as to be absolutely awe inspiring, which of course is far more important in the long run than beauty and they know that as well. We discuss things, but I trust them (within reason of course) to make their own decisions regarding issues such as this. They are people after all, and I consider my job to guide (not control because that is impossible), provide relevant learning opportunities, but ultimately to leave the deciding part to them so that they can learn from their decisions and grow up to be confident, insightful, knowledgeable, experienced, capable, productive people in this world. Isn’t this what we all want? My method and style of parenting is no less hands-on as one may assume. My philosophy on parenting is that they cannot grow if I make all of their decisions for them. Really take some time to consider all the implications in that: a future generation of indecisive, entitled, irresponsible, blameless people? One can only speculate…
I am amazingly proud of them. Others comment that they are responsible, are able to weigh consequences for themselves, make appropriate decisions, and for the most part can gracefully accept the consequences of their actions because it was a choice they made… they have ownership of their decisions and subsequently they are accountable. It is a natural progression really, and one that does not occur when mommies ‘do for’. In addition, and perhaps most importantly in relation to this topic anyway, is that they know there is more to life than how a person looks… my kids are just super cool like that!
It seems rather premature to make judgment calls on something as complex and long-term as parenting and raising a child to adulthood when you are not even a mother. Karma is a beautiful thing though! I remember the days when I would leave a restaurant in a huff because someone would not control their crying baby or obnoxious toddler. And, after having children, I remember the ongoing commentary from anyone who cared to share about how I was doing “it” wrong. Just wait! One day you will identify with that feeling all too well! Life sure has a way of bringing those lessons home. We eventually always (yep… an absolute!) get the opportunity to be our own guru when our previous judgments are realized in our own lives... that is if one is introspective enough to recognize the opportunity for personal growth.
The bottom line, aside from your commentary on our beauty oriented society and the impact on our youth, is that there are many ways to raise children. Let us all for just one moment be compassionate and empathetic enough to assume that, for the most part, we are mothers who love our children more than life itself and are absolutely doing the best we can with what we have, ok? Let us also remember that a 5 minute observation of an exchange in a salon, in no way qualifies us to be able to make broad general statements about an individual’s life.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” Plato
Cheers!
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